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Clipart FAIL is back in action, and this episode’s theme is “heroes”. Written again by Z&F reader and email-pen-pal “derelict”! Seen his caricature prize for winning the last PWITM Caption Contest yet? No? GO.
Derelict says: Greetings and felicitations, fans of failure. Indeed, Miss Dawn has once more solicited my “talents” (I apply the term loosely) to provide you all with another helping of art mockery, flavored generously with esoteric references and hypocrisy. Hope you enjoy. If, however, you think I suck, be forewarned it’s nothing I don’t already know myself.
Hey, Mr. Zombie Soldier, the Dutch Boy wants his hair back. No, throwing your lunch on the floor won’t change anything. “Uhnnnnnn…. Braaains!” yourself. You and your giant toothpick!
FAIL.
Reach for the stars! Unless you’re this guy. This is what Salvador Dali’s corpse might draw if you reanimated it and tore off its head.
FAIL.
Possession of this man’s arms, even for medical purposes, is illegal in 36 of 50 states.
FAIL.
I’d be angry too, if I was a Gorgon forced to wear a mask and dress up in a Lawn & Leaf bag. I wonder what the S stands for. Sad? Sh- Oh, this is a family-friendly site, isn’t it. Well, in any event, it should be an F, for obvious reasons.
F for FAIL.
Wait, what? OK, here’s how I imagine the conceptualization for this piece went…
Nine-year old Timmy, “Artist:” Hey Grandma, can I draw you as a superhero?
Grandma: That sounds lovely dear. Make sure I’m on fire.
Timmy: Even better Grams! I’ll put your head on an earthworm body and on fire!
Grandma: Wonderful, Timmy. Would you like another battery to chew on while you draw?
FAIL.
Looks like Superbaby might just have a future in Clipart creation. That is if his eyes stop melting. Stop breastfeeding with your radioactive milk, Supermom!
FAIL.
The case against fruit-based superheroes. The prosecution would like to submit Exhibit A, above. I rest my case, Your Honor.
FAIL.
Beans, Beans, the super legume
Your flatulence grows with each you consume
Eat enough beans, you might even fly
Propelled by your butt right into the sky
FAIL.
Stampede! This abomination is some mad amalgam of Fat Bastard’s mother and the Ultimate Warrior. Quick, Superbaby, hide!
FAIL.
This is apparently “Electric-Man” or some such nonsense. Not exactly sure why he’d want to carry around surge protectors, if electricity is his power. But maybe that’s not what they are. Perhaps he’s just a really big fan of Toblerone.
FAIL.
As a rule, I don’t make fun of special needs children. They have enough problems.
FAIL.
So, what could be worse than this superpower? What is this superpower? If it’s no more than smelling like a giant onion, there have to be at least 4,000 other people just like him in Philadelphia alone. Nothing super about that, especially if you happen to know any of them.
FAIL.
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Dawn says: Thank you, Derelict, for not referencing my hometown “Cleveland” in that last caption. Appreciated. Now, since I live in Philly now …. …….. uh …… hey!
